One of the things I often hear about cops is that they’re impersonal and hard to get to know. I’ve also often heard: “I hate cops; they’re a bunch of assholes!” Certainly, the above average rates of divorce, suicide and alcoholism within the police fraternity bears out that most cops live a life that borders on self-seclusion, where the only people they trust enough let into their inner circle are other cops. Sometimes cop’s spouses are not even given the trust given to other police officers. I firmly believe that this “Us-versus-Them” attitude is a defensive mindset which is almost necessary to a police officer’s survival. In a world where criticism of police actions and cop bashing seem to always be popular, how could one not expect cops to develope and nurture the mindset of looking after their own. At many levels in society it is natural for persons who are under seige to “circle the wagons,” surround themselves with allies and find support from others most like themselves. Cops are no different than anybody else in that regard.
Okay, back on track. When it came to the Chapter titled “Mick,” I really wanted to break down that Joe Cop-versus-Joe Citizen” mindset. I also wanted to do it within the early chapters of Beyond Hope? so I could open up the minds of the readers to the human side of law officers. The basic purpose of this chapter was to provide some insight into my childhood years so the reader could see me as the sum of my experiences and not just a cop with cop thoughts, cop attitudes, cop actions and cop paranoia (Yeah, I think cops, by nature, are a bit paranoid because we’re so overwhelmed with negative interactions day after day after day).
Taking a page from my friend, police author Randy Sutton (A Cop’s Life), I decided to open the door to the most intense years of my life. Sutton gutted himself emotionally within the pages of A Cop’s Life and that gave me the courage to do the same. The best I had to offer was my story of growing up in an abusive household where alcoholism and late night beatings were a way of life.
I would like to mention here that I am in no way trying to gain sympathy through this story. Quite the opposite. While I hated the things I endured during my youth, I have grown enough to understand that walking this road during my younger years has made the road I now travel that much less bumpy. Because I have personal experience with many of the things I see teens dealing with today in Saginaw, I can easily relate to them and the suffering they endure. And, I can also show them that life is not over simply because they are suffering now. The truth is quite the opposite. As detailed in “Mick,” I grew up in a very rough household and yet me and both of my brothers all went on to graduate college and prosper in our professional lives (Despite the overt negativity of Beyond Hope? I do consider my career to be a prosperous one). The success of her three sons, by the way, is a direct result of my mother and her will to survive and overcome the obstacles in her life.
“Mick” is intentionally the shortest chapter in Beyond Hope? Maybe my trip down that particular memory lane was painful enough that I only wanted to remember enough to get the point across. Maybe I just didn’t want the focus of the book to stray too far from its law enforcement theme. Maybe it was a combination of the two. Either way, just writing the few pages it took to complete “Mick” left me emotionally exhausted.
There were three main people whose permission I sought before publishing Beyond Hope? - Gregory and Linda King . . . and my mother. Clearly my mother had a stake in what I’d written. After she had finished the manuscript, she gave it her blessing, but not without some insight. “You know I guess I never realized exactly how much hurt I put you kids through when all this was going on,” she said over the phone in a heavy voice. “Mom, now that it’s over I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m a better person for the experience,” I told her. And as much as she might not buy that line, it is the truth. Do I have regrets about my childhood? Of course. However, I firmly believe I am a better person - and a better cop - for having experienced the past that paved the way for this present day.
We are all the sum of our life’s experiences and, for better or for worse, I think that’s all part of God’s plan.
I want to share one final story regarding this chapter. I referenced the character Mick (I was called Mick sometimes as a child) several times in Beyond Hope? but I did not identify myself as Mick until the next to last chapter. I thought this would be a good way to keep the reader guessing a bit, but while writing Beyond Hope? I wondered if I had disguised Mick’s identity well enough. A friend of mine, Cynthia Pape, who is also a teacher (Cynthia runs the Stone School Mentoring Program that I referenced in Beyond Hope?) offered to read my manuscript prior to Beyond Hope? going to print. Of course I accepted. Having a teacher review your work is a great way to get some quality (and free) editing. After Cynthia completed the manuscript, she caught me after a mentoring session one day and raved about the book, saying she absolutely loved it (Cynthia’s reviews of my work are always an ego boost, even though I suspect they are a tad exaggerated for my benefit). After complimenting me about the book for a moment, Cynthia asked: “I have one question, though - whatever happened to Mick?” I sat back and studied her for a moment to see if she was kidding. She was not. “He’s doing great,” I replied. “He became a cop and he likes to write.” The light bulb went on about 5 seconds later, followed by a wave of flush-faced embarassment. To this day, Cynthia gets red in the face when I re-tell that story. At least I know Mick’s identity was fairly well hidden.
My next entry will be about the chapter “A Second Chance,” which is the story of my encounter with the first person I had the legal right to kill.
Thanks for stopping by.